Now I’m angry.
I’ve been listening to sports radio and numerous callers, as well as some DJs, have decided it is OK to make fun of old people. Here’s the kind of banter becoming commonplace:
“He’s no youngster. He played when the NBA players wore their shorts higher than the cheerleaders.”
Or “He’s so old that his coaches drew up plays with stone tablets and chisels.”
Or, “No one cared about the colors of their uniforms back then. TV was only black and white.”
Think “yo mama jokes” but start with “He’s so old.”
I’ve let it slide for some time, in part, because when you pick a battle with millennials you gotta realize that some of them have a lot of time on their hands. Those temp jobs don’t require a lot of hours.
We older folks are generally pretty stoic but these attacks have become pervasive. These mean millennials fire away with impunity, probably thinking we older folks are too tired or feeble to fight back. They forget we survived the ’60s, ’70s, all those Die Hard movies … paraquat.
It’s past time to mount a counteroffensive.
We have them outnumbered. Can you say Baby Boomers? Here are some comebacks to “He’s so old” that I have developed with my aged, cobweb-ridden cranium.
That goofball is so young that …
… He thinks Vladmir Putin is a character on Game of Thrones.
… She told her entire yoga class that John Wayne was Lil’ Wayne’s dad.
… He thinks the Great Depression is something you can catch after too many years living in your mom’s attic.
… You tell him to act his age and he immediately poops his pants.
… You can’t drive through a warm, dark tunnel without him reverting to the fetal position.
… That same dude’s salivates at the low-cut tops worn by NFL cheerleaders. For the wrong reason. He’s hungry.
… Ask this millennial if she has a land line and she says she doesn’t like to go fishing.
… She wrote a stinging Yelp review complaining that she couldn’t withdraw money from a pay phone
…. The Cold War? She vaguely remembers hearing about that on a NyQuil commercial.
… He heard his mom ask for Wite-Out and he called her a racist.
… He told his friends he was going to quit his job at Kmart, move to the country and make a fortune raising Dalai Lamas.
— He admitted to everyone on his Ultimate Frisbee team that he thought the Bay of Pigs was an X-rated, reality TV show.
… Then he confessed he thought “Tricky Dick” was a porn star. Same for Alfred Hitchcock and Dick Tracy.
… He tried to make a photo copy of his naked butt on a fax machine.
… She thought if you stood by a fax machine long enough you got smarter. (Get it? Facts? Yes, she had just done mushrooms with her entire shift at the call center.)
… Drunk, he spilled his $12 craft beer all over a Vietnam vet who sneered, “It’s time to tango.” This millennial started dancing.
… Asked if he had heard of the Pentagon Papers, this guy said, “Man, I didn’t think you were allowed to smoke pot in the Army, let alone roll your own! Sign me up!”
… She had a big fight with her boyfriend because he told her, no, Keith Richards was not one of the Flintstones.
… She thought Mother Teresa was Madonna’s mom.
— He bet his dad that Ho Chi Minh was an expensive Asian call girl, lost the bet and had to clean up his room in the basement.
Then, he had to move out.